On Sunday, I had to re-convince myself to keep going on this. I woke up loving it, and telling a friend via Facebook that I loved it. But by 1:00, it was that boyfriend that you always feel 100% right with when he’s around and start to question the relationship when you’re away from him.
When I’m “with” the book, I get it. It feels good. We’re happy together. But whenever I step away to do something else for a significant period of time, I start to lose that connection. And all the questions come flooding back in.
Over the years we’ve been more on again, off again than Ross and Rachel (for those of you who remember Friends). I want to be committed to this relationship. I don’t know why it’s so hard. It seems like it shouldn’t be this hard, if I really love it (that’s the judgment part of my brain stepping in and drawing lines). But it is hard, and I guess I’m telling you in case you’re feeling the same way with something in your life. No matter what I do, it’s a challenge to keep going on this. No matter what I do, it’s worth it. This is the place in my life where I come the most alive. The truest part of me, spilled out onto the page in a way that I hope will make sense to other people. It hurts, and it excites. And I can’t stop. All I can do is hope that it matters. Hope that someday it matters to someone besides me. Because this is what I have to give.
Maybe it won’t happen in a flash of energy and excitement, the way the beginning did. I truly love the beginning of things. But if the only way to make it happen is to wake up and drudge my way through tar, gaining only inches in a day, I’ll do it. After all, there’s nowhere to go but forward, and there’s a big rock out there in the distance where I can sit in the sun and rest, if only I can make it that far.
As I was driving home on Sunday, I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so relaxed or so at peace with myself. True, I can’t run away every weekend and be a reclusive writer in a mountain cabin, but maybe even in the bustle of the “everyday” taking the time to reconnect with my words can help me live from within myself a little bit more. I’m going to try to create space in my mind that’s as silence as the winter woods, away from all the distractions, where the truest part of myself can come out and create.