Here I am again, sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee in my hand, trying to find a piece of sanity to get me through the next week. It seems that this has been the place where I’ve found peace most lately. Sitting here, my I Heart Radio cranked up to songs I love and some I don’t even know, watching the little vignettes of life that pass below me in the parking lot and virtually tuning out the underlying rush of traffic on 285. Somehow, this place has become as relaxing to me as a sandy beach with a rum drink in my hand.
Sometimes, peace just hits me, and whenever it does I do my best to try and soak it in. I don’t know when it will swing by again, and I might need a lot of it to get through the challenges ahead of me.
I wonder sometimes if other people feel like this: restless and lost and anxious. Unsure of themselves. They say you never really know what’s going on beneath the surface of someone, and I find that exceptionally sad. Why do we feel like we can’t be real with those around us, whether it’s for a moment or someone we see regularly? Why do we hide behind platitudes and false smiles?
I know I’m no different. There is an extremely small list of people who I feel I can tell the truth to, all the time, every time. And I wonder how different out world might be, if we didn’t spend so much time with little lies and saving face.
Is this why confidence is so hard for me? Part of my brain reasons that if I truly felt good about who I was, I wouldn’t be afraid of showing that girl off more often. Does it mean that the people who appear confident truly feel good about themselves inside? Or is that just another way of faking it?
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not really in the right place in my life. Even like if this was indeed the right place, it wouldn’t feel this hard – not as often as it does. But that being said, I haven’t the slightest clue where I should go. At times like this, there’s nothing I can do but pray. Everyone has different religious beliefs, and I won’t go into that here: you believe what’s right for you. But I know I can’t find answers inside myself, and so I pray for guidance.
And in answer, I haven’t yet been given direction, but I have been given little pockets of peace that heal me and keep me going. So I guess that’s as good a start as any.
But I might try to start being more myself, more open, in any little ways that I can. It’s hard to do, and hard to feel comfortable with, at least for me. All I know is that by being at least somewhat fake, i’ve landed myself in a life that in large chunks doesn’t seem to reflect me. Maybe being more real will do the opposite.